A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?