A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where