Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

Sure. Why not?

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”