A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
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[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*