Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”