A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
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Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
getting groceries
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”