Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

imagine getting destroyed like this

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too