A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.