@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

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@internetluke

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

@funnyordie

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

@_SingleBabyMama

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

@NikiWithIssues

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

@delusions_of

[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”

@HapInTheCap

Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.

@OctopusCaveman

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@amydillon

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

@GrumpyBahr

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.