[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
You Might Also Like
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”
Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.