Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”