A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I am laughing way too hard at this.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
wtf
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I wish I could veto my bills.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.