A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
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Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
dutch so unserious
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.