A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
You Might Also Like
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Always 🥴
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.