Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I hate when that happens.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive