A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
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I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.