A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.