A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
You Might Also Like
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
tis the season
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
