Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.