A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
I’m about to risk it all
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
What a chick magnet..
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.