Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Dishonest mechanic?

Passed by a old school Math example today.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

paddle faster i hear baby shark

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.