@TragicAllyHere

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

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@ThugRaccoons

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Narcissist? Let’s just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.

@ibid78

I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”

@sophiacadogan

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

@SortaBad

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

@DianeP89

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

@Phook75

I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house