A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
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PER MY LAST EMAIL
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
LMAO.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.