A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
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People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.