A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
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*puts my mental health in rice
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
If a snake ate a cake
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby