A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
“No way.” -Jose
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”