A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
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Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I think I’m gonna be sick
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.