A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count