A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Gemma Correll
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?