A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
WHY would you be happy about this?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
groan^2
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them