A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Lube but for my dry humor.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Proctologist = Analyst
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once