A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.