A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler