A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.