A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.