Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

The first one, obviously

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

good for her

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”