a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
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“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Oh the world we live in…
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.