A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW