a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
is it earth
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
💀💀💀💀
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole