a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.