therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
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did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
From my Mom
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”