A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I hope Alan is OK
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.