A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it