Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

🐴

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away