A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.