A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after