A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Only Americans understand
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.