A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
You Might Also Like
HR said no more nunchucks.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.