Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

When someone says you are so lazy

Chicago sounds lovely.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)