A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.