a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
The fall of Netflix
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work