a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Does beer think about me too?
Sure. Why not?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.