a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
