A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Accurate
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Pandas 🐼🖤
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
