A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I WON A HAM TODAY
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud