A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
