A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Dolls on drugs
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!