A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”