Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.