Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

courtroom exchange of the day

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.