A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Sorry I made promises on Friday
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
#JohnTravolta
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
