A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
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To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My dating profile:
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*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk