A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
The Friday File.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
