Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

you’re so productive for your wage

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Those are good neighbors.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!