A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
A wise man once said nothing.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators