A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right