me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?