A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Think I pulled my liver
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Who says great literature is dead?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.