A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.