A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you