Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

I already tried new things thanks.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

X-tra spooky blend

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.