For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
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“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Breaking news:
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.