A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?