Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

This is enough internet for the day.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

This billboard speaks to me

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters