A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.